Everythings's Over...

I met up wif GW on friday, 12/11/2004.
We had a talk and i felt so guilty... I did not trust him at all...tt's y this happened...
He also apologised for not being able to feel hw i feel... my heart melted when we talk things out face to face... i forgive him... but i duno if in future will he forget this incident and history repeat itself... if tt happens... i duno wad i'll do... but for now...
haiz... actually i still loves him. i rely on him too much tt i cant live on my own...my life will be so empty without him... sumtimes i wonder if he realli loves me tt much anot...but i dun dare to confront him...later he say i tink too much... we went swimming on sunday 14/11/2004.
I was happy cos he suggested to go swimmin...but i told him a few weeks ago tt we long time no swim swim le...but i dunno issit i say b4 den he remember or he realli wanna go swimming...
Tomolo got exam...the 2nd last paper... hope tt i can do well... i wanna mit him but i noe i cant cos if i mit him...den i no nid study le...he wans me to do well...so i muz do realli well this time...
enuf tok...nw in office doin work... so mani things to do...den tomolo on leave... so betta get back to work or else today no nid go hme...

Tired...

Last nite, GW called me...

He knew i was unhappy... I've cried the whole day... He ask me wad happened and i told him tt i'm sad... I'm so unhappy...

I confront him and ask him y he didn't response when P said tt the one she love is him?

He said sorry... but i dun feel happy at all...

I've always been happy if he admit his mistakes... but this time... this incident hurt me so badly tt i dun feel happy...

I dunno wad to do... my tears rolled down again... till now... my tears juz couldn't hold back...

I knew i was heart broken... but wad can i do to heal my wound?

It hurtz me when P said tt... though they were jokin.... but it still hurtz me...

If i dun love GW... den i won't get jealous so easily...

I suddenly hate myself... y i wanna get myself so hurt.... i shld not bother abt him...

He said sori mani times and said tt in future if P were to say tt again... he will replied her by sayin tt she dun have ani chance le... i told him even if he got say anot is behind my back le... cos i wont be goin out wif his ex-colleagues again... he said tt it depends on my trust for him... but now i dun even trust myself... how am i goin to trust him? i lose confidence in myself already...

i cried to slp last nite and woke up late for work today... i'm so tired... so tired...

i'm not onli physically tired... i'm also tired of salvagin this relationship...

y do i haf to be the one carin and spendin time on this relationship...

it's onli 1 yr plus relation...i can easily break off and start a new relationship...

but i dunno wad is holdin me back... maybe i dun bare to leave him...

i hope tt he can treat me better... he always say i tink too much... but if there's noting wrong.... i wont tink tt much either... i dun wanna tink so much also... i dun enjoy tinkin so much and causing hurt to myself... i'm so unhappy... i'm now workin... but i dun haf the energy to do so... i feel like slpin forever... den i wont have so much worries...

Broken Heart

I'm so sad... I regretted goin to KTV with my darling...
Last nite... 10/11/2004, Wednesday...i tag along GW to go KTV wif his ex-colleagues...
2 females and 2 males...plus us is 6 pax...
Before they arrive, GW say: "They always joke one...so u cannot be angry..."
I tot tt he was sayin tt they will suan ppl... But i nv expect...
Here the story goes... The 2 females...1 is old and the other ids abt 20 ++... she has a daughter and was divorced... Her daughter is abt 4 yrs old already... But she is quite a flirt...
We shall name her as P...
When we reached the KTV... 1 of the guy 'M'... sang a love song... P replied be sayin: " I told u tt i wont love u... i love GW truly..."
Although i was upset... i juz smile... cos i dun wan GW to be in a difficult position... But the worse was tt he didn't say anithing when P say tt... he shld replied easily be sayin tt P also no chance... but he juz kept quiet and laugh... I looked at him and was so furious...
But i didn't show it of cos... P also say tt today GW girlfren ard...so cant sing duet wif him... so issit tt they always sing duet together?
I noe i was jealous... But wad can i do?? GW was not sensitive at all...
When me and GW sang duet... They commented tt... "GW! u say sing duet have to look at each other one mah... Hw cum the 2 of u no look at each other one?"
When i heard tt... i linked to... issit when P and GW sang a duet... they will look at each other??
i was devastated... i didn't noe wat can i do... My worst nitemare actually turns out to be reality...
In the past when he went out wif his colleagues... which were now his ex-colleagues...
i was so afraid tt there would be a ger like P tt flirts ard... nw it comes true... Its so true...
i cant believe it... I wanted to run off... But if i were to leave... GW will be in a difficult position rite?? I have to think abt his 'FACE'... so i stayed on... I dunno wad i did was worthwhile anot... I dunno if he appreciate it... But whenever we were in front of his frenz... I will make sure he got "FACE"... cos i tink tt's important to man...
When we were on our way hme... I said, "U got a 'xiao lao po'... so i got to get myself a 'xiao lao gong' also..."
He knew i was jealous... so he ask me wad happened... I told him if he was in my shoes... he would be jealous too... He kept quiet...
He say he noe his colleagues very long le... den i ask him he noe them longer than me meh....
HE said yah... I was furious... In actual fact... I knew him b4 he work... When i ask him to tink it again... He say, :"yah hor...but i last time everyday c them one mah..."
I dunno wad to say... He dun wan to mit me everyday...now he got the cheek to say tt he mit them everyday... till today he didn't mit me everyday...but can i complain? He say he and P got nothing one... But who noes... If 1 day they were to go out for a drink... i wont noe if anithing would happen... If a girl threw herself to ani guy... would ani guy reject?
Till now my mind is in a whirl... i didn't noe wad can i do to stop this... I dunno if i can still tahan this... I've been crying since he went hme... i didn't have a proper slp... cos i came back tis morning 5am... He ask me dun tink too much.... He everytime say tt... But if i dun realli love him... would i bother? y cant he tink abt it........ It's not tt i dun trust him... it's juz tt since we got together... i've put on weight... and i dun haf confidence in myself... whenever he see chio bu... he will say.. wah chio bu... i dun have the right to stop him from seein them... but i'm afraid tt one day he will leave me...i juz love him... i've been cryin... till nw..i'm still cryin...my tears juz won't stop rollin down my cheeks... i cant stop my tears...
nw i tink abt it... y muz i always be the one callin him and msgin him... y cant he do tt instead? issit tt i'm not worth it for him to love me so much... it seems tt he dun care abt me...
I'm too stupid to go to the KTV... if i dun insist tt i wanna go... i won't noe... and i won't feel so sad... i told myself not to join him in future if he wanna go out wif his ex-colleagues... but i noe i will cry too if he goes out wif them... but if i go... i also dunno... i'm so confuse...
I dunno if i shld try to hack care him and lead a life tt is juz like single... like got a bf but living like a single....i realli duno...